I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Randomize
