never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
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