i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
