a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize