i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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