After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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