He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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