There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
