I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
bring money and cleavage
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
