Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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