Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
