i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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