I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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