Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Drake has all the answers
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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