Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
