FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
