On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
