I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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