im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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