oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
