He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
