we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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