She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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