is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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