new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Randomize