so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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