Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize