I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
im six kinds of drunk right now
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
