Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
