Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
We left an ass print on the piano.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I am available for nakedness
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
