I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
