i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
