I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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