we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
