Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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