the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
