I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
