I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
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