Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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