I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize