hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
