meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
