My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize