At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
