be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
