I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
