I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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