the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
