I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
We have started to decorate penises.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
