Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize