The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
