I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
