dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
