The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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