I seem to have left my pride at pride
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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